But in the end its just a case of opening up the page, flexing your fingers and start typing isn't it?.
But what to type?
Well I've had thoughts and ideas and I have been making, but what I do know is, that I wanted to change the blog slightly into a writing one that ruminates on stuff as well as show cases stuff that I'm making on (I like the word stuff, its so useful for when your brain can't quite drag out the word you really want and most people get "stuff". they have stuff, we all have stuff, its a good word stuff). I like writing, so the blog seemed a good place to practice that writing
So this weekend has been (and still is) my birthday weekend, It isn't quite the half century, but lets just say this time in 12 months it will be. Time to take stock.
How did I get to be this age? Where has the last the 49 years gone? What on earth have I achieved in those years? Well I have a good education, I have a good job (even though the commuting kills me), I have a nice house(that desperately needs cleaning and some TLC in the decorating area) and I've been married for 23 year's this year (on the whole its been good, hasn't been easy, no marriage is and on occasions its been at the big crossroads point of the Clash song) . I don't have kids (one of the biggest failings in my life) but I do have a cat.
But all those are external things that visually demonstrate who we are. Internally, well lets jut say sometime I feel like a swan, elegant on the outside but paddling my legs like hell to keep afloat. Poor self worth, low self love and depression have been a big part of my life. Its an ongoing battle to gag those little voices and put them back in the black box marked do not open. But sometimes those crafty escapologists get out and have a riot and one hell of a party in my brain. I wouldn't mind but they leave the mess for me to sort out and it can be draining.
But I'm getting better at sorting it out, I don't sit in a heap surround by the fallout of that good time , despairing on where to start clearing it all up. I calmly guide them into their box and lock them in, find the bin bags and start putting the rubbish they've left behind in. As I'm doing it I remind myself that there are lots of people who like, love and care about me, that I'm very good at my job, that I'm clever and very creative, that I'm caring and loving, that I'm funny and thoughtful, that I have a loud raucous dirty laugh and that when I smile my face lights up.
And I think about what makes me happy, the need for quiet (hard when you are married to a massive music fan who has very different tastes to you), being outside in the sunshine, listening to the rain softly coming down,listening to the birds singing and welcoming a new day, seeing things, experiencing things, whether that be art, nature or new cities to explore, eating good food, being by the sea, train journeys, good coffee, going to the cinema and the theatre, chilling with friends, getting and giving hugs, cooking for friends, watching rugby and shouting at the TV, rest and sleep in fresh bedlinen, sewing, crocheting, getting messy with paper and paint, photography.
Doing these things starts filling up the happiness batteries, gives me energy, reminds me that I'm a good person and not the useless, worthless, pointless person those escapologists enjoy telling me that I am. I'm getting stronger at shrugging and saying whatever, that's your opinion, not mine and I choose not to listen to you.
But as I said its an ongoing battle, because sometime those batteries are a bit empty and that's when you need those around you who love you, who care for you, who'll put am arm around you and give you a hug (I think hugs should be on the NHS) and say you are alright, you are good, you are loved, I want you in my life because you make my life better, stay with me, connect with me, be with me, you aren't alone.
And I think that understanding comes with age, when you are facing less years on the planet than you have spent, you start to think about the important stuff, the stuff and things (another good word) that really matter.
So this year I am determined not to "waste" my free time waiting for others, I will have my own life, I will own my life and take responsibility for it. I will share that life with others that I like and love who want to be with me, but I'm not waiting for you to make it complete. I will do things and this year so far I've been to the cinema more times than I did the whole of last year! there are more theatre and cinema trips booked, weekends away booked, music festivals booked, art exhibitions to book, rugby to watch, lunch dates booked with friends.
I'm doing things, I'm living, I've not been dragged into the box marked do not open, sitting in the corner curled up head in hands thinking I'm worthless, useless, pointless.
Can't promise all the posts will be this heavy, there will hopefully be funny ones and crafty ones, because hey, all those things rants, humour, creativity make me the person I am.